Sorry

My stomach turns,
Throat burns,
Mind sickened by pain,
Of what u felt.
Startled happyness begins to melt.
Sends shivers down my spine.
As I read every line
Torture and pain,
I don't understand.
Wish to reach out for you hand.
Hold it tight,
Sat shivering in the night.
I wish to reach out to you,
To help you,
Make sure you don't aproach more harm,
I wish to hold you tight in my arms, 
And take away your pain.

And as I read,
My heart starts to bleed,
My air thickens,
Lungs heavy and I gasp for breath,
Try to grip onto the happyness I have left,
Mind fears,
Stifled through floods of angry tears,
On my burning cheaks,
a guilty mind,
Heart unkind,
I struggle to breathe.
Stomach heaves,
Panic
Pray to turn back time,
Change the actions that were mine,
Body shakes,
Hands quake,
Mind becomes adrift, looses grip on reality,
Loosing sanity,
Sends me dwindeling into lightheadedness,
Terror lasts,
And through gasps,
Comes vomit.

Thick guilt lingers in my heart,
And in the air,
And in my mind,
In my salty tears,
In the stench,
In my shaking body, 
And on my skin.

I am angry,
Shout at myself,
For answers,
Meaning,
Feeling,
Why did I do it? 
And I honestly don't know.
Why I wandered upstairs to sit,
Shivering on my bed?
What was going through my head?
What made me tear my skin?
Why did i let it begin?
Why couldn't I stop?
What was I feeling?
I wish for meaning
Then at least I could give you an explaination.

I hate myself for doing it,
I hate myself for letting you see,
I plea
Don't consider what you gave up.

And I realise,
I have to stop,
Now it's plain
I wonder how I could have let you see my pain,
When I hate to think of yours.
I realise,
That I should have never alowed that first bite,
That I should have controled my fright,
That I shouldn't have continued,
I realise that you are everything to me,
Now I can see,
Your happyness is all that matters,
I would do anything for you,
Why I did it, I wish I knew,
And I wonder why I didn't stop before,
Why did I hurt the person I adore?
And I make a promise to you and myself,
That for you,
The person I love,
Who has completed my life,
Who has gave me meaning,
Who has gave me happyness,
That I will never hurt myself again, 
There will be no more pain,
Becuase it hurts you,
You have left only happyness and joy in my veins,
So why create pain?
You have given me so much,
It's the least I can do,
I'll stop hurting me because it hurts you. 

 

:'( :'( :'( this is the sweetest, saddest thing ive ever read :'( I love you so much!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx